RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on  her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in  our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official  voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began  crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While  handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store  suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October  22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!

IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least: 
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out. 

LMAO, U R 2 admit it!

Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly....on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

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The Midas Touch

 

In memory of Jay Kohr

Free Font: cursif

 
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted. 



--

 

Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly....on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

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The Final Inspection

THE FINAL INSPECTION       THE FINAL INSPECTION The soldier stood and faced God, Which must always come to pass. He hoped his shoes were shining, Just as brightly as his brass. 'Step forward now, soldier, How shall I deal with you? Have you always turned the other cheek? To My Church have you been true?' The soldier squared his shoulders and said, 'No, Lord, I guess I have not. Because those of us who carry guns, Can't always be a saint. I've had to work most Sundays, And at times my talk was tough. And sometimes I've been violent, Because the world is awfully rough. But, I never took a penny, That wasn't mine to keep... Though I worked a lot of overtime, When the bills just got too steep. And I never passed a cry for help, Though at times I shook with fear... And sometimes, God, forgive me, I've wept unmanly tears. I know I don't deserve a place, Among the people here. They never wanted me around, Except to calm their fears. If you've a place for me here, Lord, It needn't be so grand. I never expected or had too much, But if you don't, I'll understand. There was a silence all around the throne, Where the saints had often trod. As the soldier waited quietly, For the judgment of his God. 'Step forward now, you soldier, You've borne your burdens well. Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets, You've done your time in Hell.' Author Unknown~ If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for our military, please pass this on and pray for our men and women who have served, and are currently serving our country. And pray for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for freedom... THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!

Ancient symbols

ANCIENT SYMBOLS!! A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that it was family oriented and held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically, but a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,
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"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left. It says:
Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman"